Healthy Relationships

Life in Guyana has been moving at such a rapid pace, that a blog entry is well overdue. Last week I had the opportunity to pilot a workshop on healthy relationships with local school. Here's what happened:

I had the opportunity to pilot my “Healthy Relationships” program for a local private school. The school is located on the west coast of Georgetown and educates children ages approximately 6-16. I thought this was a great opportunity to see what the program would look like on the ground and adjust for any kinks.

I was told that I would have the opportunity to meet with three to four classrooms of children who are in their last years of school (an age range of 14-16). I was not told that I would be meeting with them all at the same time. After entering the school and checking in with the principal, I was escorted to an all-purpose/auditorium room of over one hundred children, ages 6-16. My very formal step by step program went out the window. I was not prepared to discuss sexual assault in front of six year olds, and I was not prepared to facilitate the cries, screams, and side chatter of so many children at once.

The principal explained that the schools are on summer break and the students who are present now are here for summer school. Normally, the students would be in smaller classrooms, but the school uses the all-purpose room during the summer. This was fine; I just wish I had a better understanding of this prior to arrival.

Like any good program manager, I decided to work with what was given to me. The school had audio equipment and I was able to use a microphone to ensure the entire room could hear me. I discussed three types of communication (aggressive, assertive, and passive) as planned and asked the children to do a drawing exercise as planned. The exercise was difficult to facilitate because I only had enough crayons for about 30 children but had a classroom of over 100. The older kids were kind enough to use their own pencils or pens, and those who did not have did an excellent job at sharing. The teachers present were helpful in going around and checking in with the students for the duration of the drawing exercise.

The program also included a role play on the different types of communication. I selected six volunteers and three of them dropped out when they realized they would have to do the role play in front of their peers. So I just lectured to make up for that time and filled in for one of the "skits". The kids seemed to enjoy their school mate acting out "aggressive" behavior with me.

For the last phase of the program we divided the group into a "girls only" and "boys only" section. We were able to separate the room using black boards and space dividers. A program associate from the office joined me to facilitate the remainder of the program. He lectured the boys on topics of aggression and anger management while I spoke with the ladies about bullying other girls and rights within a relationship.

I lectured a little bit about changing who you are to get the attention of someone who likes you. The students did a good job at highlighting this doesn’t work because you can’t pretend forever. I got so many great answers! I also talked about what everyone could do to stop rumors and bullying because they hurt other people’s feelings, and no one deserves to have lies spread about them.

The conversational part was also a challenge, as the younger girls really couldn’t pay attention for very long and the older girls wanted to just ask questions about boys who cheat on their girlfriends. I think this is understandable considering that someone age six probably isn’t dating yet and older students may be better at dominating the conversation.

I asked the girls if anyone was in a relationship and the entire room said no. So, I asked if anyone had a friend who was in a relationship and the entire room said yes. I thought it was very cute.

I told the girls we’d spend the remainder of the time discussing relationships with partners and relationships with friends or classmates. There are different types of relationships, but you have a choice in what you do to keep each one a healthy relationship

There is clearly lots of work to be done in this area. When I asked the girls what you would do if your partner hit you, the responses were “poison him”, “stab him”, “poison his family”, and even “jump out of the window and say he pushed me”. I was expecting answers along the lines of hit him back. OH. WOW.

I was very aware that the children were mostly likely repeating things they’ve heard adults say. I really wanted to drive home that there are other options, so I emphasized trusted adults and trained professionals that the students could talk to if they or a "friend" were ever in this situation: a teacher, social worker, nurse, or counselor at the Ministry. When I mentioned the Ministry, unfortunately, a lot of students spoke up about how the office was unreliable. The girls were eager to share how “friends” had been turned away because they were too young. They yelled over their peers stories of counselors who never showed up for their designated appointment time and they, well their “friends” felt discouraged to reschedule. Unsure of how to buffer this anger, I spoke very loudly to calm the room down. I explained there are many choices in where they seek services, the Ministry was just one of many options, and moved on to my next question.

I wanted to emphasize the importance of warning signs. Your partner will not punch you in the face on a very first date. Everyone says that domestic violence is a “cycle” however no one ever breaks down the cycle: abusers uses phases of honeymoons and then violence in conjunction with power and control to oppress their partners. I also wanted to address the myth that only men can be abusers. If you, as a female, are hitting or verbally abusing someone with whom you are involved romantically, then you are an abuser and you need to get help regarding your unhealthy relationship. I didn’t get very far in this discussion. The girls wanted to focus on what do to in the event of actual abuse.

Rather than focusing on “my program” and “my guidelines” I again decided to meet the students where they were. I wasn’t sure when I would meet with them again, and understood for some girls, they might be asking such questions because they are experiencing violence now. I used the remainder of program time to answer specifics on where to go and what to do if you are experiencing these issues now, as well as where to go and what to say to help a friend who may be in trouble.

I felt very defeated at the end of my program. I felt under prepared and poorly advised. I wondered if things would have been better if I had known the structure of the “classroom”. Did the kids learn anything? What was the point in me even coming?

As I gathered my materials and made my way to the door one of the girls (younger teenager) stopped me to shake my hand. She said thank you for visiting and invited me to come back again. I was so delighted I did not want to let go of her hand.

A few minutes after she walked away, another young teenage girl came over to shake my hand. She explained that my program was very special because I gave “good advice”. The topics were important to her and her friends, and teachers never really talk about relationships at school. She told me that I am welcomed to come back and visit again.

I felt so appreciated. I felt that even if I had only reached just a few girls, perhaps my time was valuable. I also saw that there was a need to discuss these issues. My program materials must be precise and fool-proof to get these points across. Those who implement these projects, furthermore, need to be genuinely passion about addressing this topic. When it comes to discussing intimate partner violence, I’m glad that I was able to do just that, even if it was only for two hours during one afternoon in the school's all purpose room..